ON VOTING

OPINIONS ARE LIKE BELLY BUTTONS--everyone has one. [With the exceptions of Adam and maybe Eve whose pre-birth states didn't need an umbilical cord as far as I know.]

I'm assuming you chose freely to visit this page and read these words for what they might be worth. This is just a statement of my opinion and perspective. It might bear little to no resemblence to your own. That's okay with me and I hope it is with you.

If you're ready to continue: here we go.

I live in Oklahoma, a very "red" state politically speaking, and from one report I read, ranks 49th out of the 50 U.S. states in turnout of registered voters. Arkansas being the worst in this category.

Why? I don't know. Based on conversations I've had with folks about this imminent election, here are a couple of possibilities:

1. I'm not voting because I don't like either candidate.

2. Why vote in Oklahoma? We all know the republicans are going to win.

I wish every registered voter would vote. My thoughts:

a.) It is such a privilege. It's the only way we have an opportunity to weigh in on those who govern and how we are governed. Even if our candidate has a snowball's chance in Oklahoma in July, we still have siezed our right to have a say.

b.) You get to do whatever you want in that voting booth and no one will know. You can be a bit rebellious and transgressive. In our voting place we get to hide away in a sort of cardboard box, fill in the square by the name of anyone our heart and mind and spirit and conscience leads us to, and it's nobody's business.

c.) You get that little "I Voted" sticker, and maybe, if you want to, in a few months or so, you can say, "Don't blame me! I didn't vote for that fool!"

Now, despite the wonderfully secretive nature of voting listed as letter "b" above, I'm going to reveal the name of the candidate I will NOT be voting for (and thus making public the candidate I've chosen.) But first...

IF YOU COULD SEE INSIDE MY HEART AND SOUL you would hopefully find ZERO desire to get all political in a divisive, antagonistic way. The last thing I want to do is hurt or rile up, or, God please forbid: alienate.

Taking that risk, I feel like I need to write down my concerns and convictions, for some kind of record, in the unlikely chance that my grandkids or great grandkids might someday wonder where old Pops stood on the state of things in the diminishing days of 2024.

I've written some of this stuff in private journals. And, back when I was more stupid and cocky (around 2016ish) I made the occasional, regretful social media post--enough to have learned to avoid that path as if it was strewn with snakes, ticks, poisin vines, hidden pits and conspiracy theorists. Apparently I'm a slow learner.

My political leanings haven't changed much over the years. At times my zeal has run hotter and deeper but for the most part I've always found myself left of most of my family, friends and coworkers. Not bragging or regretting. Just saying.

I think my philosophies/worldview were shaped early. Literally, from infancy, the Jesus I was taught to know and love, to seek and to follow, was one who always sought to humanize others, one who paid attention to those whose stories weren't necessarily in the main body of the narrative but out in the margins. When he was introduced as the Prince of Peace, I took that literally. When I memorized the words, "For God SO loved The World that He gave..." I came to understand the breadth, the intensity, and eternity of that love. Certainly, with any "rebelliousness" that may have been a part of my first coming-of-age, I hope I was trying to "work out my salvation with fear and trembling." (Philippians 2:12). Still am. I didn't find peaceful protests, questioning authorities, suspicion of institutions and all that to be incongruent with Christ-following: just the opposite in fact. Still do.

Best I remember, there were a few significant worldview shaping events for me during that time. Here's a timeline:

• January 8, 1969: My 18th birthday. Registered with the Selective Service System: received my "draft card".

• January 20, 1969: Marched in the Inaugural Parade of Richard Nixon in Washington D.C. Saw behind the scenes the rage and animosity for him and the Vietnam war.

• May 1969: Graduated from Will Rogers High School in Tulsa.

• Fall 1969: Began classes at Oklahoma Baptist University in Shawnee. I majored in music to get a scholarship but my heart was in journalism and socio-political science.

• October 15, 1969: "Nationwide Moratorium to End The War in Vietnam". Helped to organize our campus' participation in the massiave demonstration, which included a rally and the wearing of black arm bands. It was a big deal to us then.

• May 4, 1970: Kent State University murders. Four students were killed by Ohio National Guardsmen. Participated in a night of mourning for those students with an overnight demonstration on the campus oval.

• Summer of 1970: I spent a good chunk of the summer traveling across Europe, playing drums in a band. An eye-opening, mind-blowing summer for sure.

• Fall 1970: Transferred to Tulsa University majoring in journalism. Became more politically active, seeking to find a way to do something besides protest the war. I was particularly interested alternatives to Richard Nixon and changing the voting age from 21 to 18. Both of these were anti-war positions. The rationale: many young men were too young to vote but were subject to the draft and forced to fight in the war. Without a vote there was no way to influence the people sending them off to risk their lives. Posters and chants in protest events declared, "Old enough to fight, old enough to vote!"

• July 1, 1970: A Lottery was held for men facing the draft in 1971. This determined the order in which men born in 1951 were called to report for induction into the military. My birthdate was Number 116.

• June 30, 1971: The 26th Amendment was finally ratified changing the minimum voting age to 18, the same age that young men were required to register for the draft. I would now be able to actually vote for the candidates I had been campaigning for, including George McGovern, who despite my vote and campaigning lost in a landslide to the very crooked Richard Nixon.

• Winter 1971: I received notice to report to the draft board for processing and a physical. My number had come up. My enmity for Nixon and power-greedy politicans boiled and I veered further left. Fortunately, the war became more and more unpopular and started winding down. That bus trip from Tulsa to Oklahoma City for a physical was as close as I would get to Vietnam.

• Early 1972: Let's put it this way. My passions were evolving. I had become involved in the "Jesus Movement", a sort of hippie version of discipleship. I was the drummer in a band playing a new genre of music called Christian Rock; some would say an oxymoron. But what had really grabbed my heart was a young lady who is, fifty-two years later, still My Amazing Missus.

So here we are now, the autumn of 2024, and I want to, for some unknown reason, be on record with my voting intentions. This would be a good time to click back to Facebook or to solving a Wordle puzzle, if you haven't gotten bored and done so already.

I will not vote for Donald Trump.

Here's a condensed version of my rationale. He's old. Actually older than Bill Clinton, but a little younger than Jimmy Carter. He's clearly unhinged. He's clearly overweight. As an old (but younger than him) and chunky guy myself, I know a thing or two.

My main motivation for not voting for him though is that he is a despicable person and the antithesis of what I know to be a good leader. My career has afforded me opportunities to hear from some of the best experts in leadership: Ken Blanchard, John Maxwell, Seth Godin, Jack Welch, Daniel Goleman, Stephen R. Covey, Patrick Lencioni, Daniel H. Pink, Marcus Buckingham, Susan Cain, and Jim Collins, just to mention a few. I've read countless books on the subject. It all boils down to a few traits that are common in our ideal of good leadership: Accountability, Empathy, Authenticity, Focus and Vision, Positivity, Stability, The Ability to Build Strong Teams, etc. Trump exemplifies none of these. Consider the elements of Emotional Intelligence in the writings of Daniel Goleman:

Self-awareness – the ability to know one's emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values, and goals and recognize their impact on others while using gut feelings to guide decisions.

Self-regulation – involves controlling or redirecting one's disruptive emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.

Social skill – managing relationships to get along with others.

Empathy – considering other people's feelings especially when making decisions.

Motivation – being aware of what motivates them.

Trumps obvious traits are selfishness, narcissim, hate, misogyny, racism, lack of respect for marriage and family, no regard for the sanctity of human life, he makes a mockery of faith; from his own mouth, Trump: "Why do I have to repent or ask for forgiveness if I am not making mistakes?"

Lastly, he's a man who calls himself a "very, stable genius," but is so self-unaware. Like the old line goes, he could commit suicide by leaping from his ego to his I.Q.

So many let him off the hook: "That's just the way he is." "He doesn't mean a lot of what he says." "He just says out loud what a lot of us are thinking."

Here's my fear. If we make someone like Trump our leader, then others believe that his becomes the model of strong, effective leadership. Why would we hold up the worst among us as an example of leadership, much less humanity?

The counterpoint is usually:

• "He's the lessor or two evils." To which I mumble to myself, "He's his own brand of evil."

• “I don't like him, but I like his policies.” Surely we can find ways to impact policies AND maintain some semblence of civility, patriotism and democracy.

Let's listen to those who were "in the room(s) where it happened," those who were up close and personal to Trump. Mike Pence his own VP, who is not supporting him. All of the key leaders in his first term have endorsed his opponent, not because they agree with her on every policy point, but for the good of our country.

The last word comes from Liz Cheney: “If people are uncertain, if people are thinking, ‘Well, you know, I’m a conservative, I don’t know that I can support Vice President Harris,’ I would say, ‘I don’t know if anybody is more conservative than I am,’ I understand the most conservative value there is: to defend the Constitution.”

IRL and the vMPFC

PRE-POST: This is a very special post, written mainly by a guest writer, at my invitation, in response to a question about life as we move through it. DO NOT assume that because my question is couched in a life transition called "retirement" that it does not apply to most every life at some point or another.

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IRL? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Oh, I know it represents "In Real Life" but what does THAT mean? Let's engage our vMPFCs: vertral Medial Prefrontal Cortex, that region of the brain that increases in activity when we are introspecting about our selfs. (Or is it selves?) How do you know when and if your are living in reality? Do we just make it up as we go and that becomes reality? Does fate deal us a hand called real life and the best we can hope for is g(G)uidance on how best to play it?

More than a few of my grade school and junior high teachers commented on my report cards that I tended to do a lot of daydreaming. A lot of that daydreaming had to do with me putting myself into fanciful roles: maybe Ringo Starr was sick and The Beatles would call and ask if I could sit in for him on drums when they played on The Ed Sullivan Show. I bet the class bully would want to be my best buddy after that.

As I'm zigging and zagging my way through a maze of finding an identity as an old retired boomer, I get lost in a sort of thought fog. The newswriting lesson of key questions I learned back in my days as a journalism major in college comes back: Who? What? Where? When? and How? Is this harmless daydreaming, self-introspection, or, as the kids say: "getting inside my own head"?

I want to know more about this. Is it productive? Why does it feel like being STUCK sometimes? Is there potential for creativity, maybe a little self-actualization here?

I need professional help. Thankfully I know a girl.

She is a "mental performance consultant".

So, Dr. Brooke Fuller: I know your main focus is on athletics, but any words for a cranky, old wayfarer whose tennis racket is gathering dust on the closet shelf?

dr. brooke fuller, her husband and our son kyle, and theIR amazing family.

Maybe this daydreaming/introspection is a blend of harmless mental wandering on your quest to continue your creative ways; or it could also be searching for answers or grappling with unresolved thoughts or emotions.

You mentioned finding an identity as an old retired boomer. My first thought was Erikson's theory of psychosocial development. Many theories discuss development up to adulthood and then stop; Erikson, as you probably already know, continues his stages through one's entire lifespan.

The eighth stage, integrity vs. despair, involves a retrospective look back at your life and either feeling satisfied that life was well-lived (integrity, which is characterized by acceptance, sense of wholeness/success, feelings of wisdom) or regretting missed opportunities or choices (despair, which is characterized by bitterness, rumination over mistakes, feeling unproductive). Retirement is one of the life events that triggers this stage.

This past week I worked on a project for a university that seems relatable. They want to better prepare their athletes when they transition out of their sport. In my presentation, I shared with them how transitioning out of their sports career can be a significant life change and result in fear or uncertainty about future plans and loss of: identity, motivation, purpose, structured routine, social support (teammates/coaches), confidence, or external validation.

Maybe retiring from a career brings similar experiences.

Introspection is a healthy practice, but it is beneficial to handle it with care. Those who take self-reflection too far, may end up feeling more anxious, stressed, and depressed than ever (Eurich, 2017). You mentioned the newswriting lesson of key questions: Who? What? Where? When? and How? It’s good you are asking these and avoid the Why? questions. Why questions can stir up negative emotions and highlight our shortcomings, whereas What questions help direct us to stay curious and positive about the future. Creativity! Self-actualization!

"What a man can be, he must be. This need we may call self-actualization.” Maslow, 1943

What you can be, you must be! And I’m looking forward to it!

The realization of one’s full potential. Let’s add more introspective questions to the mix. What would your life look like here? What would have to happen to reach self-actualization? What is your full potential? What stones lie unturned? What’s next on your path to achieving your full potential? Or have you already?

Above self-actualization on the hierarchy, added later on, is self-transcendence. Realizing that we are one small part of a greater whole, and acting as such. We focus on others instead of ourselves. These experiences bring joy, peace, and a well-developed sense of awareness.

Someone who is highly self-transcendent may experience plateau-like experiences when they consistently maintain a state of higher perspective. Now, I’m not saying you have or have not reached self-actualization, but from the outside looking in, you have plowed right through to the top and hang out on the plateau landing of self-transcendence.

When it comes to productivity, daydreaming and self-introspection can be a double-edged sword. On one side, they can lead to creativity and self-actualization, as you explore ideas and reflect on experiences. On the flip side, if it feels like you're simply spinning your wheels without direction, it might seem unproductive. Out of all the athletes I’ve worked with, when they say “I can’t get out of my head,” it comes down to overthinking.

In sports, overthinking is, more often than not, unhelpful so we aim to relax the mind/relax the body, utilize effective thoughts, create goals and action plans, learn grounding techniques, implement pre-performance routines, enhance confidence and more, focus on what we can control and let go of the things we can’t…and many other awesome mental tools we use to calm the mind and quiet the rumination. Maybe some of these things can help a retired Boomer. ??

So how do you make the most out of this daydreaming, introspection, and zig zagging? Here are just a few ideas.

Embrace Creativity: Let your thoughts run free, but then take captive those creative ideas or recurring themes and run with them! Jot them down and do something with them!

Ground Yourself: When you feel stuck. Ground yourself in the present moment. This can help you shift from feeling STUCK, to a more intentional thinking. Take a walk, notice your senses, taste the food, smell the roses, hear the sounds, feel your feet on the ground, the wind in your hair (wink, wink).

Set Small Goals: If you find yourself daydreaming, to a point you are not fond of, give yourself a bit of structure. Consider which areas you'd like to explore or resolve and which ones to let go.

These moments of “thought fog” can be valuable, but the key is finding a balance that allows for both introspection and action.

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Is it okay for a guy to ask his daughter-in-law for free advice and then post it for all to see so that everyone gets free advice? If you didn't find something useful in her words, then I would suggest you read them again. If you found something you would like to explore further, visit www.fullermindset.com.

Thank you Brooke! Thank you for giving and for encouraging. Thank you for being a wonderful friend, wife to our son, mom to our grands.

Signing off now with the lyrics to a song from the mid-60s which was a part of the playlist for my first coming-of-age.

DAYDREAMIN'
By Lovin' Spoonful

What a day for a daydream
What a day for a daydreamin' boy
And I'm lost in a daydream
Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy
And even if time ain't really on my side
It's one of those days for takin' a walk outside
I'm blowin' the day to take a walk in the sun
And fall on my face on somebody's new mowed lawn

TO HAVE & TO HOLD

June 16th. Our day. That was the day the knot was tied, the vows were said, the cake was eaten. The day it all started was actually weeks and months before that. I don't remember it being an actual moment; more like an unfolding. We didn't shake a Magic 8 Ball. There was no Rock, Paper, Scissors, or coins tossed. There was a bit of ignorant bliss, romance, naivette, hormones, young love and belief that this was a match made in heaven. At least that's the way I remember it.

We didn't use the traditional vows in our marriage ceremony. We wrote our own and they definitely had an early 70s zeitgeist of peace and love to them, but they were sincere and have stood the test of time.

When I speak of traditional vows I'm talking about those that go something like this:

I, ____, take you, ____, to be my husband/wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part.

First, we didn't even know what "to have" and "to hold" meant. Next, we were kids. We were invulnerable to stuff like worse, poorer, and sickness much less death. Why bring all that crap into the celebration?

As I think about this anniversary of our wedding, I'm 52 years older and I still am not sure I understand what have and hold mean. I could guess; and I will before the essay is finished. All these years later I don't know that I would want those words in our vows if we were to do one of those vow-renewal things. That sounds so possession-y, like some kind of claim of ownership. Like maybe: "I promise TO HAVE control over you and TO HOLD you back from being your own person" or something.

I think my attitude has been marred by all the focus on that twisted theology that religious fundamentalists call "complementarianism". I would love to write about how I feel about it but I'm not going to let it be a dark cloud over my intent of writing a heartfelt sentiment about how blest out of my heart, head and soul I am to have been married to My Amazing Missus for more than half a century.

So, here's how I'm viewing and understanding having and holding. Let's start with the dark side of having/holding.

Remember poor old Peter? The guy that was known for eating a lot of pumpkin; so much in fact that he has been known for eons as Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater?

He had a relationship problem. Or, was his problem a wayward woman, or maybe he had signed up for a doctrine that somehow believes that wives are subordinate to husbands. The question that other men seeking submissive wives might have is: how in the world did he get her into that pumpkin shell and in what state was she in that he was able to keep her there "very well"?

Sometimes seeking to have and hold turns into an ugly form of possesion--dehumanizing another to the point that they exist only for the other's use: like a commodity.

Let me illustate with the this little excerpt from a newspaper article:

The drab free port zone near the Geneva city center, a compound of blocky gray and vanilla warehouses surrounded by train tracks, roads and a barbed-wire fence, looks like the kind of place where beauty goes to die. But within its walls, crated or sealed cheek by jowl in cramped storage vaults, are more than a million of some of the most exquisite artworks ever made. --New York Times.

I realize that it seems like I'm using an inanimate object: art, to try to make my point about being fully human, created in the image of The Creator. But think of it as representing something bigger. Let's call it "beauty". Somethings are just not meant to be KEPT. Having and holding are so much more than that.

Let me try it this way. If you are a parent or a grandparent, or maybe an aunt or an uncle, this next sentence will cause a burst of images and memories, joys and maybe a few sorrows, but sublime all the same. Ready?

We HAVE a new baby and I got to HOLD him.

Can you feel the honor in that? The joy? The desire to share the news.

Here is a picture of My Amazing Missus and me. It is moments after the birth of Jeremiah our youngest Grand. We are crammed in the window seat of the hospital in Enid, Oklahoma, with all of the other Grands, taken January 19, 2022 at 2:11p.

Had he been born a few weeks later the hospital would have been locked down because of the pandemic. Selfishly, I cannot fathom what it would have cost me emotionally to not be able to be there for that moment--that first moment of HAVEing a new grandson and HOLDing him.

That's what it means to me to have and to hold. Obviously I didn't HAVE him. His beautiful mom Brooke did all that work with steady support from his dad, Kyle. And, obviously HOLDing is more than physical, literal holding.

If I haven't made my point yet, then I'm a lousy point maker. It's just that if I were to tell my bride of 50-something years that I am committed to having and holding, I would want her to know it is all about cherishing and celebrating and sharing.

I understand the concept of one thing complementing another. I'm intimately familiar with peanut butter and jelly. But, in a true complementary relationship one thing is not subjugated to the other. That is an ugly distortion, and it is one that I'm vulnerable to. In fact, I've done that kind of crap to others. Hopefully I've haven’t justified it by being a christian, a male, old, white, democrat, introvert, bald, cynical, peanut butter & jelly loving jerk.

Happy Anniversary to My Amazing Missus. Like the old song says, "I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow." I'm still here; to have and to hold from this day forward.

WHO'S TEAM IS GOD ON?

I watched most every game of the Women's College Softball World Series. It is a thoroughly enjoyable sport to watch; especially when the teams from your state's largest universities are in the tournament.

It's over for 2024 and the Oklahoma Sooners won their fourth championship in a row. That's never been done before and it's the cherry on top of mountain of firsts for this team. The Texas Longhorns were rated #1, but the Sooners beat them in the first two games of the best of three.

Many of the Sooners when asked about this phenomenal run, thanked God.

photo source unknown

That seemed to bother some folks.

• Do they think God actually cares about softball?

• Do they think that God favors one team over another?

• Do they really believe that if one player has a quick prayer with a team mate before she goes up to bat that God will somehow energize her and/or her bat so she hits a walk off home run to pull victory from a must-win game situation where the other team might have actually played the better game?

Time out. Let's do a closer review.

A lot of people don't like the Sooners (especially those that wear burnt orange and people who were regular orange and columbia blue and clap their hands by extending their arms and moving them together and apart vertically.) A lot of people feel like the Sooners are cocky and show-offy.

Did I mention that this team has been weirdly and wildly successful? "So are you saying that they have some sort of divine anointing?"

If God loved Oklahoma better than Texas maybe he would nudge tornado alley a bit south, say below the Red River, instead of the heart of it going right over Norman, Oklahoma, home of the Sooners.

Here are some thoughts about these holy name-droppers, for what they're worth:

Maybe there is actually an innocent, and maybe, naive humility among these super Sooner softballers. It is from that place that gratitude can spring. I'm sure these girls are grateful to their parents and grandparents for their support and sacrifice and sportly genetics. I'm sure they are grateful to their coaches--who apparently are some of the best to be found. I'm sure they are grateful to their fans and friends. But there's more gratitude to go around. Gratitude is one of those things that must be expressed. When a person or a team has worked so hard and accomplished so much there is lot of it to be expressed. There is also a lot of exuberance among this team. That's another thing that demands expression--in proportion to the depth of it.

It's easy (at least for me) to see that these young women find themselves at a sort of pinnacle so that there must be something at play here that is, well, beyond/Beyond. What I'm saying is that maybe they haven't become so jaded yet, so arrogant to be blinded by the wonder of the whole experience. What does it hurt for them to find a way to express all that gratitude and exuberance?

The words of G.K. Chesteron come to mind:

“The worst moment for an atheist is when he is really thankful and has no one to thank.
I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder. The aim of life is appreciation; there is no sense in not appreciating things; and there is no sense in having more of them if you have less appreciation of them. When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.”